Friday, June 19, 2009

God Starts Randomly Smacking Pat Robertson

CAP NEWS - The past few months have not been kind to televangelist Pat Robertson. First he suggested that God smoke some Supreme Court justices. Then he called for the death of Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez. His latest gaff was in saying that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was God smiting him for his policies regarding Palestine.

Apparently God has had quite the fuck enough.

"It's weird. He'll just be sitting there and all of a sudden he's smacked right out of his chair," said longtime 700 Club employee Angelique Moses. "I don't know if it's God or Jesus or the Devil himself, but whoever it is got a hell of a right hook on him."

A recent transcript showed just how disruptive this could be.

Robertson: "...and I'm calling on God to bring down those Senators who [SMACK] - OW! - oppose the repeal [SMACK] - OW! - Dammit. Of the 19th amendment. [SMACK] Ooo."

[Note: at this point taping is stopped so that first aid can be administered.]

Religious scholars are almost universal in their belief that this is God's retribution against Robertson for repeatedly saying stupid shit and using His name in the same sentence.

"We were running with a liberal poltergeist theory at one point, but that didn't pan out," said University of Saint Augustine professor Charles D. Smith. "My advice to Pat is to stop saying idiotic things or buy better insurance."

The 700 Club can be seen Monday through Friday mornings on the ABC Family Channel. Talks are underway to simulcast it during ESPN's Boxing Morning Roundup.

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