Washington D.C. - Taking a break from the busy legislative session going on inside, Speaker of the House John Boehner lit up a cigarette on the steps of the Capitol Building and expanded on the Republican Party's idea of what health care should look like for the average American.
"Well certainly they do not want what we in Congress have," he said exhaling a cloud of smoke. "The American people were loud and clear about that. We pay little to no premiums and have easy access to great medical care, and frankly that would be a recipe for disaster for the average American citizen."
Eric Cantor, the House Majority Leader, joined Boehner on the steps and, after bumming a cigarette from his boss, added, "John's completely right about that. What we heard from the American people is they actually don't want any health care at all. They've pulled themselves up by their bootstaps, and that's the way they want to go down too, digging their own graves with a handmade shovel. We're not like that in Congress and that's why we need the health care we have."
"Hell, we can barely feed ourselves," Speaker Boehner said. "I mean look at our hands-look at us-we're pathetic, and unfortunately because of that we require government-run health care to keep us going. But I've seen the American people and they're not like us. They're a goddamn tough, honery bunch and I tell you they'd find the pampered health care we get intolerable."
"And so ultimately what we envision in terms of health care for the American people," Eric Cantor concluded, flicking his cigarette down the marble steps, "is to just back off and let them take care of themselves. It's what they want after all, and we aren't about to stand in their way."
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