Would the worst candidate you can imagine have qualities like these?

He cheats on his wife.

He cheats on his wife.

Oh. John McCain did that.

McCain met his current wife Cindy, nearly two decades his junior, while still married to his first wife, Carol, and began an affair.[1] One short month after John and Carol got divorced, Cindy Hensley became Cindy McCain, and John McCain became even wealthier.

Or, worse, he cheats on his sick or disfigured wife.

Or, worse, he cheats on his sick or disfigured wife.

Um, McCain did that, too.

Turns out that while McCain was in Vietnam, his wife Carol was in a terrible car accident. She came out of it alive, but with a disfigurement and having put on a lot of weight.[2] McCain stuck it out just long enough to find Cindy, and then moved on.

He was a key figure in a major corruption scandal.

He was a key figure in a major corruption scandal.

In the 1980's, John McCain.

Ever hear of the Keating Five?

Charles Keating ran a savings and loan in Irvine, California. He made over a million dollars in contributions to five Senators, asking for their help in getting federal regulators off his back. McCain's wife invested in a shopping center of Keating's, they borrowed Keating's private jet for trips to Keating's private retreat, and McCain received over $100,000 from Keating and his associates.[3]

Keating's financial empire exploded, resulting in charges of fraud and racketeering, helping to usher in the great savings and loan scandal in the late 80s. McCain's efforts on Keating's behalf helped light the fuse.

He uses lobbyists as advisors.

He uses lobbyists as advisors.

Once again, John McCain.

Since his campaign started, some of his top advisors have been Washington lobbyists. Repeatedly, lobbyists big business and foreign governments - including the totalitarian government of Myanmar - have been forced out of key advisory positions after their conflicting loyalties came to light.[4] The blog Talking Points Memo put together a full map of his campaign's lobbyist connections.

In August, after the Russian / Georgian conflict and McCain's strong words in defense of the Georgian state, advisor Randy Scheunemann was forced to step down when it was revealed that Georgia was one of his clients.[5]

Take just one industry, for example: telecommunications. More than 60 current and former telecom lobbyists work and volunteer for McCain's Presidential campaign, and the industry has generated over $4 million in contributions.[6] This industry includes one of McCain's closest friends, Vicki Iseman. In addition to a rumored extramarital affair with Iseman,[7] McCain was caught lying about how much he actually did for her clients.[8]

Other lobbyists have poured hundreds of thousands of dollars into his campaign.[9]

He isn't very smart.

He isn't very smart.

That would be John McCain.

McCain entered the United States Naval Academy by virtue of his father, a sitting Navy Admiral. While there, he proceeded to rack up an impressive number of demerits and, ultimately, graduate 894th in a class of 899.[10]

He's completely out of touch with middle class families.

He's completely out of touch with middle class families.

That's John "Moneybags" McCain.

This one is almost too easy.

By now, his failure to remember how many houses he owns is legendary.[11] It's at least seven. But his wealth extends to expensive taste in shoes, private jets - the works. At the Saddleback Church forum, McCain set the minimum bar for what constitutes a "rich" person at five million dollars. Meaning, therefore, that anyone under that level is just upper middle class.[12]

How many times, after all, have you had a nine-car motorcade take you to go get a large cappucino?[13]

He's violently aggressive and rude.

He's violently aggressive and rude.

That, too, describes John McCain.

According to a Republican Senator from Mississippi, during a 1987 sit-down with representatives of Nicaragua's Sandinista government, McCain became so enraged at the man that he physically assaulted him.[14] The Senator, Thad Cochran, subsequently said: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me." These concerns have been echoed by some of McCain's Democratic colleagues, who indicate that he is quick to "explode".[15]

McCain is also unapologetic about having referred to Vietnamese people as "gooks" - as recently as 2000 he said he "hated gooks", and always would.[16] He's not keen on homosexuals either, referring to his irritation last year that the staff who picked his outfits kept making him wear "gay sweaters".[17]

He only says what he thinks voters want to hear.

He only says what he thinks voters want to hear.

Unfortunately, John McCain.

For a candidate who once prided him himself on being straightforward, the recent campaign has seen a different John McCain - one willing to change his stance at the drop of a hat. The website The Carpetbagger Report keeps a running tally on McCain's policy and moral flip-flops, ranging from his views on torture and warrantless wiretapping to affirmative action and intelligent design education.

Even personal information is subject to change. He recently told a group in Pittsburgh that he gave his Vietnamese captors the names of the Steelers' vaunted defensive line, instead of real information. Unfortunately, this contradicts his own book, in which he reveals it was really the Green Bay Packers.[18] And, when recently relaying a touching story about a Christian prison guard, the story was widely reported to have been adopted from another source.[19]