US Headlines
Barack Obama won convincing primary victories today in Maryland, Washington D.C., and Virginia, but in a semi-unusual development, FOX News called the election for Hillary Clinton. The other networks soon followed FOX's lead.
"What can we say? We hate to be scooped," said CNN anchor, Soledad O'Brien. "You can see why we had no choice but to go along with the crowd."
As expected, thousands of Obama supporters sent protest emails, but the networks stood by their decision, pointing to a previously un-scrutinized Democratic Party rule that brings into existence something called Super Duper Deluxe Secret Delegates, which are roughly the equivalent of 2,300 pledged delegates, more than enough to sway the election.
Further investigation revealed that only one Super Duper Deluxe Secret Delegate actually exists, and his name is Josh Dinklestein. As it happens, Mr. Dinklestein is a former classmate of Clinton's daughter, Chelsea, and he apparently once referred to Chelsea as "a ho-bag." Basically, Hillary now owns his ass.
Late this afternoon, the networks issued this joint statement: "The general election is between McCain and Clinton. Get used to it. We want to hear no further discussion on this matter."
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