Monday, August 29, 2005


Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion

Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.

The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.

“If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Walmart, then we will have none of it,” Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.

While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraq’s new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nation’s three factious ethnic groups.

Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonald’s, Applebee’s, and Boston Market restaurants that are now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq “to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand.”

While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, “It probably won’t be Cheney.”

Elsewhere, a man arrested for trespassing in actress Jennifer Aniston’s home told authorities that he had planned to leave Ms. Aniston to go trespassing in actress Angelina Jolie’s home.


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