Thursday, October 25, 2012

Mitt Romney's Crazy Religious Beliefs!


Freehold, Iowa - Friends, I never thought I'd live to see the day when a Mormon cult member would be running for President of this Christian country. Then again, I said the same thing about that Mary Worshipping jackass, John F. Kennedy, and by golly - every uneducated colored fellow and unchurched low class liberal who thought Catholics were Christians voted that hell bound nin-com-poop into office! Cleaning up that mess was a little more complicated than loading up a plane full of deacons to Florida to take out some trash!  I believe we can avoid anything like the Kennedy fiasco this time around by making sure we put a stop to letting kooky religious nuts run for any public office!
Like everyone in the other 49 states we've had our share of busting a gut over how silly the Mormons are. We even take to calling them the "Morons," in our Religious Cult Studies courses at Landover Baptist University. My message about Mormons today is actually more for the folks out there using the internets. I want to assure this congregation that I am doing everything in my power to prevent even the stupidest Mexican who can vote from being fooled by this fruit-cake, Mitt Romney. 
You see, the Mormon religion is absolutely, hands down, one of the most hilarious made-up religions Satan ever boiled up in the Lake of Fire! But all tomfoolery aside, Mormonism should always be reckoned with as a dangerous cult -- because whenever you design a cult to appeal to stupid people, you are going to wind up with a lot of members!

I want to start by stating the obvious. I will list it out here for you:

What Does Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Really Believe?
  • He believes that Jesus Christ is Satan's brother.
  • He believes that God lives near a planet called "Kolob."
  • He believes in baptizing dead people.
  • He believes that Jesus is married to a goddess wife.
  • He believes that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri.
  • He believes that it was impossible for Negroes to go to Heaven before 1978. 
  • He believes that Jesus has children from his wife or wives.
  • He believes that he is going to become a god.
  • He believes he will own his own personal planet after he dies.
  • He believes the real Christian God is not eternal but rather that He was once a man on some other planet besides Earth!
  • He believes he needs to wear magical underwear created by Mormons and he is never to take it off unless he is bathing.
  • He believes it is a sin to drink anything containing caffeine. And that even includes True American™ drinks like Coca-Cola!
  • He believes children between the ages of 18-21 should wear name badges, ride bicycles and always smile.

I'll let you take a breath for a minute, because I know you are laughing harder than the time I was up here trying to explain how the Scientologists arrived on Earth in a space ship piloted by talking, lava-dwelling sea clams. 
Friends, Mitt Romney follows the Book of Mormon to the letter! He believes it has more authority than the Bible. If you don't know what's in the book of Mormon, we've included the Sunday School training video below:

 Folks, I'll wait a minute for you to calm down. I know if Joseph Smith were alive today he wouldn't even be able to sell this story as a mini-series to the Sci-Fi Channel, and those folks buy anything!

I know in my heart of hearts that I speak for all True Christians™ when I say that the idea of Mitt Romney sitting in the Oval Office sends a shiver down my spine, and a cold trickle of perspiration down the small of my back!  Lets take a stand and send this lunatic and all his pairs of magic underwear back to Utah where they belong.  We need to act now, lest the Republican party goes down in history as the party for stupid American idiots who elect crazy morons to the office of President! 

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