http://buffalobeast.com
50. Nicole Richie
Charges: Not a brick house. Not mighty mighty. Vastly easier than Sunday morning. Her criminal exploits, attended by hollow contritions, do inestimable harm to drug legalization efforts; while inexplicably adding nothing to the forced-sterilization debate. Quite possibly a reason the terrorists hate us.
Exhibit A: "I've just gone through so much in my life that pulling my top up just doesn't seem like that big a deal."
Sentence: Sealed neck-high in the outhouse foundation of a popular Mexican Spring Break destination. Jaws propped open.
49. Trent Lott
Charges: Old school Dixiecrat segregationist who switched parties along with Strom Thurmond back when Democrats decided to be nicer to black people. Retired from the Senate early to dodge a new law that mandates a two-year wait between retiring from congress and becoming a lobbyist. That, and the dirt that Larry Flynt has on him.
Exhibit A: Was in the "Singing Senators," a closeted a cappella group, with John Ashcroft, Jim Jeffords and Larry Craig -- not that there's anything wrong with that.
Sentence: Accidentally lynched by blind neo-Nazis.
48. Carson Daly
Charges: Otherwise too banal for derision, Daly, who cut his shmuck-teeth warming musical Similac for tweens on MTV, acted as Writer's Guild strike breaker by returning to air without them.
Exhibit A: We didn't know his show employed writers.
Sentence: Forced to appear nightly on The Carson Daly Show.
47. Mike Huckabee
Charges: What's worse, a calculating politician pretending to be a devout Christian, or a genuine heartland preacher who didn't come from no monkey? Huckabee is both -- a Southern Baptist who rejects Darwin, wants to give everyone a gun and thinks people with AIDS should be quarantined, and a seedy, corrupt politician who's never seen a payoff so low he won't stoop to pick it up. Democrats see Huckabee as easily defeated in a general election, but they shouldn't be so sure -- Smooth talking preachers tend to do well in this country. Huckabee is well-spoken, kind-faced, and the opposite of wordly -- he's Obama for hicks.
Exhibit A: "I got into politics because I knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives... I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ."
Sentence: Just as he's about to win the GOP nomination, a freak gust of wind catches Huckabee's excess skin and carries him out over the Atlantic, where he drifts for hours before God appears to him, tells him He's a Unitarian, and sends him to hell.
46. Judith Regan
Charges: Has done more to debase the written word than Tom Friedman. Defiled an apartment intended to house overworked 9/11 rescuers, just so Bernard Kerik could plumb her putrescent shallows. Contentious working relationship with OJ Simpson ended with her throat disappointingly uncut.
Exhibit A: ReganBooks' roster of "authors" included Rush Limbaugh, Robert Bork, Jenna Jameson, Jose Canseco, Janice Dickinson, John Gibson and Sean Hannity. Apparently, Dracula and the Wolfman had prior obligations.
Sentence: Death by a thousand paper cuts.
45. David Gregory
Charges: The notion of his insight rests entirely on his striking resemblance to a shrewder, more beloved Dr. Zaius. Starchier than a peep booth wastebasket, Gregory's occasional faux-outraged exchanges with various White House press secretaries have established his reputation as a man unafraid to confront the big scandals -- once they've been well mainstreamed by better reporters. Managed to slip by the Valerie Plame scandal completely unnoticed, though Ari Fleischer testified to leaking Plame's CIA status to Gregory three days before the infamous Novak column ran. His absurd, overcompensatory assurance that he has "no problem with being tough" notwithstanding, his penile-cleft haircut -- much like the warning coloration of venomous reptiles -- betrays his true poisonous nature.
Exhibit A: No dignified reporter would be so visibly happy filling in for Matt Lauer on The Today Show.
Sentence: Quartered by horses.
44. Hugh Hefner
Charges: Not dating three vacuous sluts for the articles. Brazenly attempting to mainstream necrophilia. An erstwhile icon of virility now forced to marshal every faculty in maneuvering, giraffe-like, his quavering, prehensile lips for contrived smooches with his surgically altered concubines, sharing in common with them only arrested adolescence, and probably some pretty sweet coke.
Exhibit A: Idles morbidly like an octogenarian Zelig on the periphery of every "Girls Next Door" publicity event, ogling dementedly and trying to suppress the faint horror of his impending incontinence.
Sentence: Viagra ban.
43. Sherri Shepherd
Charges: Perfectly illustrated the Creationist's level of intellect when she declared her disbelief in evolution, and was immediately stumped about the shape of the earth, explaining her ignorance was due to the fact that she was too busy feeding her children to acquire rudimentary knowledge about... well, about anything, presumably. Further compounded her astonishing lack of basic knowledge when she authoritatively declared that Jesus Christ came before the ancient Greeks, and that she didn't think "anything predated Christians." Judging by these statements, Sherri probably thinks there are dragons on the other side of her desk.
Exhibit A: Accurately reflects the intelligence of her viewing audience.
Sentence: Pushed off the edge of the earth.
42. Bud Selig
Charges: His version of "The Island of Dr. Moreau" is even worse than John Frankenheimer's. The baseball commissioner who succeeded in making football the indisputable, insufferable national pastime. Followed up the fan-alienating cancellation of the 1994 season and World Series -- the first year without since 1904 -- by studiously ignoring (along with the rest of management and tens of thousands of San Franciscans) his players' mutating proportions. A true, blue-blooded hypocrite, Bud reaped undeserved praise for omissive stewardship, and untold profits for his fellow owners, on the back of his grotesquely augmented super-soldiers, and now wants to pretend he's shocked about it.
Exhibit A: An irretrievable coward, Selig skipped Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run game in San Francisco, "congratulating" the slugger by phone. Fair-skinned Viagra pitchman Rafael Palmeiro remains uncharged for lying to congress about his steroid use.
Sentence: Designated BP hitting tee for Giants; denied medical attention over 162 games.
41. Chuck Norris
Charges: Only famous for knowing Bruce Lee. Churning out puerile "action" bilge for 30 years. Skill as martial artist greatly exaggerated. Kitsch value wearing thin. Total Home Gym®. Walker, Texas Ranger once let a little girl battle armed gangsters, because she had the power of belief in God. Doesn't understand evolution, despite access to mirrors.
Exhibit A: Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.
Sentence: Roundhouse kick from Charles Darwin.
40. Lou Dobbs
Charges: Obvious, intensifying xenophobia and distrust of the yellow and brown races, possibly exacerbated by Mexican wife. Whatever useful message Dobbs once had about economic populism and the deleterious effects of globalization and cheap labor on American wages has long been tainted by his obvious animosity towards foreigners, specifically Mexicans and the Chinese. Every installment of his hour-long broadcast on CNN is dominated by reports about the "menace" of foreign imports, be they illegal immigrants crossing "our broken borders" to spread disease and rape our women, or poisonous products from "communist China." Proof that Dobbs is a venomous yellow journalist shithead can be seen in his reaction to media criticism of a segment on his show in which it was erroneously reported that there had been a sudden upsurge in leprosy cases, totaling 7,000 in just three years, the source of which was a lawyer who had also said in speeches that Mexican immigrants tend to molest children. In truth, there had been 7,000 cases of leprosy in the past thirty years. Dobbs was confronted several times with this fact -- first he strongly defended his numbers, then strongly denied ever having used his numbers. A real journalist admits his errors. Dobbs is an ass.
Exhibit A: Sharply criticized the use of Mexican flags in immigrant demonstrations, then denied the obvious double standard of that comment by going on to say that he would have the same problem with Irish flags at the St. Patrick's Day parade, and, in fact, that he was against St. Patrick's Day. Yeah, sure, Lou.
Sentence: Stuffed with Green Cards; turned into amnesty pinata.
39. John Boehner
Charges: A Tom Delay disciple of shameless hypocrisy, Boehner won't stop weeping openly on the House floor -- real crying, from his tear ducts. It's not passion; it's the pathetic noontime inebriation of an obvious, documented alcoholic. Job title, "Minority Whip," is ironically hilarious. Bound by ideology to destroy nation.
Exhibit A: His name is Boner.
Sentence: Afflicted with voodoo hex that makes him cry poisonous spiders.
38. Steven Moore
Charges: Mo Rocca's evil twin and founder of the election-law-breaking PAC Club for Growth, Moore's the Wall Street Journal's most brazen corporate apologist and free market sycophant, who's trotted out on TV to manicure the invisible hand every time it chips a nail squashing the poor.
Exhibit A: "If you don't want to buy a Chinese toy, don't buy it at Wal-Mart. But you know why people buy these things? Because they're cheap and, for the most part, they're pretty good products."
Sentence: Given low-wage job test-licking all Chinese imports, incurs brain tumor, has epiphany about consumer choice and income, then more brain tumors.
37. Mitt Romney
Charges: America's first clip-art presidential candidate, Romney is a strange mixture of game show host looks and android charm. A true flip-flopper, Romney's ability to turn on an ideological dime is unparalleled, but his excuses are so inauthentic that even Republicans have trouble suspending their disbelief.
Exhibit A: "You can't have freedom without religion, and you can't have religion without freedom."
Sentence: Strapped to the roof of his family car, which his dog attempts to drive across the country, but crashes horribly (because dogs can't drive, of course). Romney's flesh burns off in the ensuing fire, revealing him to be a standard protocol droid set to world domination mode. Narrowly edged out of primary race by Huckabee.
36. Master Chief
Charges: Unquestioning cybernetic super soldier of Halo 3's futuristic virtual dystopia; lacks free will and a face. Feature article treating him as a cultural phenomenon in Time magazine marked a low point for both franchises. Stupid name.
Exhibit A: Joint-marketed with Mountain Dew "Game Fuel" in a major coup for diabetes industry.
Sentence: Stop loss, a tour in Iraq.
35. Tim Russert
Charges: Mountainously inert, he explained his failure to verify the Bush administration's prewar claims with other government officials by lamenting, "I wish my phone had rung." Smirks defiantly at his own humorlessness. Has held the most visible and secure seat in political media for over 15 years without once mustering the courage to call his guests liars. Impossible to watch him interview any woman on "Meet the Press" without fearing he'll suddenly waggle his sinewy tongue, Jabba-like, and beslobber her.
Exhibit A: Self-mythologizing non sequiturs such as "Look, I'm a blue-collar guy from Buffalo. I know who my sources are."
Sentence: Life as an actual blue-collar guy from Buffalo, i.e. a call center drone in North Carolina.
34. Joe Francis
Charges: The "brain" behind Girls Gone Wild, a series of videos documenting the decline of American civilization, Francis is the Ray Kroc of tit shots. A whinging, muppet-faced, juvenile smut-peddler who obtusely compares his artless, homogenized flesh surfeit to "European television," he proves daily that alcohol is the original date rape drug, and still the best. Has sapped flashing of its spontaneity, transforming it into merely another sad, numbing cultural reflex. Makes one guiltily long for the days when puritanism forced more gifted pornographers to exercise restraint.
Exhibit A: Pathologically entrepreneurial, he reputedly exhorts his cameramen by shouting "I want taco!"
Sentence: Cast as lead in first mass-market snuff film.
33. John Hagee
Charges: A fat, submoronic pastor who is literally trying to bring about the end of the world, Hagee is the leader of the peculiar movement of Christian Zionism, whose basic plan is to get Israel full control of Jerusalem, setting the stage for world war and Armageddon, so Hagee and his flock can ascend to heaven while the Jews, Muslims (especially the Muslims) and everyone else can suffer and die in the wreckage. But lest you get the idea Hagee is an earnestly insane man of the cloth, it turns out he's also paid himself in the millions, first from his non-profit TV station, which he cleverly turned into a tax-exempt church. So maybe Hagee is just another charlatan, but his message is still the most dangerous he could possibly preach.
Exhibit A: "I deserve every dime I'm getting."
Sentence: Banished to hell for being a shitty tipper.
THE REST OF THE LIST
Written by Allan Uthman, Ian Murphy, Paul Jones and Tyler Bass
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