Conservatives Doth Protest Too Much, Me Thinks...

Jules Carlysle

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
--From Hamlet

As a young girl of 12, I started working fulltime in a professional theatre. Six days a week, 4pm to midnight after grade school, I took two busses across town to wash clothes and mop up after some of the most delightfully eccentric and flamboyantly gay artists in the known universe.

Homosexuality was not a topic of discussion in my house, not because anyone was particularly against it as far as I knew, the subject simply never came up. Since gay people in a theatre are a fixture as ordinary as spotlights and gum under the seats, it never occurred to me at that young age, that I was supposed to despise or fear them.

Until I was 15...

One night during dinner, my older brother, (a police officer) launched into a homophobic tirade, ranting and raving about the “queers” and “fags”. I was dumbfounded....when I had an epiphany of sorts.

I’ll have to paraphrase here, but basically, I asked my brother if he actually hated gay people or was he really afraid that if he didn’t hate them, someone might look at him and question his sexuality....and while we’re at it.....maybe HE was afraid to question his sexuality.

Maybe, just maybe....this wasn’t hate at all...just a lot of fear turned outward. (I think it’s worth noting here that my brother carries a loaded gun and hasn’t spoken to me in over 10yrs)

As I recall, my Dad laughed so hard he turned purple and slid off his chair and onto the floor. This was high praise indeed!

Apparently, I was on to something.

No one would dispute that there is a thin line between love and hate. These are both very strong emotions. The opposite of full is empty, not something else that’s full. So, the opposite of a strong emotion is not another strong emotion, it’s the total lack thereof.

The opposite of both love and hate is the exact same thing...apathy.

Pop Psychology 101, tells us that anything or anyone who arouses our strongest emotions is acting as a mirror into ourselves. They are resonating with something we don’t like, don’t understand or can’t accept about ourselves.

With that inspiration firmly in hand, let’s look at some famously phobic Conservatives and the people that scare them...

Michael Savage:

“... I don't like a woman married to a woman. It makes me want to puke. How's that? I want to vomit when I hear it. I think it's child abuse. That's my opinion -- one man's opinion...”
“Ask them when they're 16 whether they want to be raised by two lesbians or two men. What are the two men doing behind the other wall? You think the children don't hear it?”
“You want to know what homosexuals do with each other? You don't have to guess, you can figure it out.”

The Savage Nation, Feb 26, 2007



“And I want to tell you something, and I'm going to say it to you loud and clear. The radical homosexual agenda will not stop until religion is outlawed in this country. Make no mistake about it. They're all not nice decorators. You better get it through your head before it's too late. They threaten your very survival. They went after the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church is now caving into the homosexual mafia. They will not stop until they force their agenda down your throats. Gay marriage is just the tip of the iceberg. They want full and total subjugation of this society to their agenda. Now, if you want that and if you don't think it's a threat -- believe me, that is what's going to occur in this country.”

The Savage Nation, Nov 13, 2006

Boy, it sounds to me like Mr. Savage is terrified of gay people. They threaten your very survival? He obsesses about what they do with each other behind closed doors? Who spends any time whatsoever thinking about what other people do during sex, unless they’ve – you know – subscribed to it on cable? When he trots out the notion that there is a “gay agenda” or “gay mafia” attempting to infiltrate and subjugate American society, he is insinuating that somehow people could be coerced or influenced into becoming homosexual, even those who are not otherwise so-inclined.

Geez....how weak are you?

What would that look like?

Hey Mikey...ya wanna be part of the gang dont’cha Mikey? Ya wanna be our friend, dont’cha Mikey?.....Come on everybody’s doin it....don’t be chicken Mikey....

So, the question is this, why is Michael Savage so afraid of homosexuals? Why did he go off the deep end when Melissa Etheridge thanked her wife at the Oscars? Perhaps, deep down, he fears that he may very well be a mere feather boa and bottle of Astroglide away from the leading the “Big Parade.”



Ann Coulter:

Ann Coulter is constantly trotting out references to deviant sex and questioning the sexuality of individuals who clearly, are not gay.

John Edwards is a “faggot”, Al Gore is a “total fag”, President Clinton is a “latent homosexual”.

Of all of the criticisms and accusations she could level against these men, why would a smart woman like Ann Coulter, choose to call them gay?

She is also fond of accusing liberals of liking deviant activities.
“Absolutely. Absolutely. It's a great comparison. Because meanwhile, these health fanatics, when it comes to smoking, encourage every form of polymorphous perversity, which, by the way, does have public health consequences -- but no, no, no, no. That -- that -- you know, anal sex and fisting, that's part of our deepest privacy rights.”
The Mike Rosen Show – July 3, 2006



“Liberals used to tell us they were teaching fisting to fourth-graders because ‘kids are going to have sex anyways!’ (Yes, ‘fisting’ is exactly what it sounds like; have a nice day!) Now they’ve dispensed with that and openly concede that they believe virtue is just one of many equally valid points of view that must be counterbalanced with the argument for promiscuity, group sex, fisting, and other lifestyle choices.”


“Anal sex, oral sex, fisting, dental dams, ‘birthing games’—all that would be foisted on unsuspecting children in order to protect kindergartners from the scourge of AIDS.”

From her book Godless, the Church of Liberalism



Now to be fair, I did a Google search to see who, if any liberals had advocated teaching fisting and anal sex to fourth-graders and I couldn’t find anything. But, I will happily stand corrected should someone direct me to the source of her claims. I should also note that I wrote a piece titled “The Anal Fisting of Democracy” 2 years ago. The tag line was, “What? You’re Shocked, Appalled and Offended? Well, It’s About F**kin’ Time”. It was about abuse of power in the White House and like Ann Coulter, I was aiming to shock. Unlike Coulter however, I was using a metaphor.

As her claims involve unidentified “Liberals”, Coulter is actually making an unfounded, unsubstantiated, not to mention incredibly kinky Straw man argument.

I must conclude that Ann Coulter’s fixations reveal more about her than it does about the secret lives of Democrats.

I wanted to cover Rush Limbaugh and the scourge of drug addiction and Bill O’Reilly vs....well basically everything that remotely resembles truth, girls or a fair fight. But, there is only so much space and time.. and if I “beat the dead horse”...even metaphorically...next thing we know, I’ll be accused of hating horses....and having sex with horses.....and having forcible phone sex with a myriad of other barnyard animals....and Osama bin Laden....and everyone at the New York Times....

Why, you ask? Because I’m a freaky, f**ked up Liberal bent on global domination through hate speech and weird sex.

Remember, what you hate is a reflection on you. Love and hate are pretty close to the same damn thing, raw, visceral emotions that stir in our very core. Their opposite is apathy.

Republicans, the only thing clenched more tightly than their assholes and their wallets are their puckered little minds....Time to wonder why they are so consumed with rage about things they imagine other people might be doing behind closed doors and why, oh why, they insist on imagining things that are so perverted.

One last word for my Conservative friends out there....

You are who you hate.

BOO!


Jules Carlysle’s book DUMBASS is available at her website www.julescarlysle.com and anywhere books are sold.