Wednesday, April 24, 2013

CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them

CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says “respecting your audience” like savaging them with non-stop Casey Anthony updates. However even this effort ended terribly as CNN continually bungled its Boston Bombing coverage to the point where even your mom was getting decent cracks at their expense on Twitter.

Obviously this sort of awfulness calls for a desperate attempt at salvation, and since CNN has no confidence in the intelligence of its viewership, the idea of just recycling an older crappy show makes sense. So it was in that vein that CNN announced earlier this year that they are taking full advantage of Jon Stewart’s temporary absence from TV to re-introduce “CROSSFIRE”, a show featuring the same commentators that you hate in other shows but with MOAR SCREAMING.

TV Gold right? Well obviously that depends on the hosts that CNN’s new head, Jeff Zucker (aka the man responsible for the war crime of keeping Donald Trump relevant), chooses from “the right and the left.” But judging from the rumors about who these individuals might be, it is apparent that CNN is done trying to woo viewers and is now just going to hate fuck them into compliance with performance art levels of absurdity. So look out world because Newt fucking Gingrich will be scaring your children while grifting from your grandparents on the tee-vee this summer.

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