Sarah Palin Clarifies Reasons for Resignation

Please join me in welcoming Gov. Sarah Palin as she guests posts at Jesus General once again -- JC

Ok, there's been a lot of speculation in the liberal, secular press about why I decided to set the State of Alaska free. Some are saying it's because I'm under investigation for getting my house built for next to nothing in return for granting construction contracts. Those people are wrong, and I'm going to sue anyone who repeats it.

I'm also going to sue anyone who brings up the possibility that both Bristol and Levi were conceived during drunken, cocaine-fueled orgies Todd and I may have had with the Johnstons. Sure, no one has made that claim yet, but darn it, they might. And if they do, you betcha we'll sue the pants off of the Washington Post, Perez Hilton, and National Geographic. And darn it, the chances that Bristol and Levi are siblings or that Todd is both of little Acid Trip's grandfathers are probably pretty darned small. So don't even go there. Or we'll sue you.

Alaska and I are parting ways for one reason and one reason only: if you love something wild, you must set it free. And then you shoot it and mount it on your wall. And yes, look at what I've done to Alaska. I shot it and I'm now going to mount it on my wall of the accomplishments that prove I'm ready for the presidency.

Hold on. This is the part where I hold little Trig out as bait so I can garner a little sympathy when some Howard Stern asshat wannabe takes a cheap, unconscionable potshot at him. So let me just say, again, that I wish we were all like Trig. Did you hear that Mr Obscure Blog Commenter who will soon come to represent all that is wrong with anyone to the left of Bill Kristol? I said, "I wish we were all like little Trig!" Run with it!

OK, back to Alaska. It served its purpose, just like Wally Hickle, John Stein, and all the others served their purposes. I now have 2.5 years of the gubernatorial experience I needed for my presidential run. Thank you, Alaska, but you can't help me anymore. Now get the heck out of my life.