Horoscopes from the Onion

• Aries What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
• Taurus It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
• Gemini You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
• Cancer Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
• Leo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
• Virgo While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
• Libra There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
• Scorpio Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
• Sagittarius You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
• Capricorn Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
• Aquarius Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
• Pisces The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.