Who Needs Terrorists?

By Richard Belzer

Who needs terrorists? We can scare the shit out of ourselves, thank you very much.

We have Bush's wet dream of an End Times scenario where he would like to usher in World War III before, according to him, the Persians, start some trouble in a few years.

We have Rudy Kazootie telling us that untold hoards of dark skinned demons are out to kill us all and we better elect him so he can incinerate them over the next eight years.

We have Michele Malkin, who prefers going house to house to threaten and scare the sneaky wretches who need assistance with exorbitant medical costs. How dare they!

We have the banks and credit card companies that make it easy to borrow and spend and allow people to obtain suspicious loans to buy houses only to discover to their horror that they are in over their heads and will lose everything and be indebted for forever.

Most people are afraid the country is going in the wrong direction. The Republican candidates only seem to care about a certain minority of people who are frightened by the secular world (and who, in turn, frighten the secular world). The Democratic candidates are scarily making no promises to end the Iraq occupation.

These are among the many reasons why foreign terrorist can just sit back and watch us scare the shit out of ourselves and each other. Thank you very much!