Master of My Domain

NYT

Op-Ed Contributor -- JEFF JOHNSON


LAST month, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers rejected a proposal to create a .xxx domain, keeping lovers of Internet pornography in a virtual Stone Age when it comes to quickly locating prurient material. Here are some domains that should be considered next:

.cat The domain of choice for the involuntarily celibate.

.sal For rotund fellows who love pizza and the people who love them.

.bun For the hot dog and sausage lobby.

.dud The Web home of secondhand fireworks commerce.

.wah The preferred suffix for sites that feature copious MPEG's of guitar solos.

.bub For fan sites dedicated to William Frawley, who played Bub O'Casey on "My Three Sons."

.sod For English inebriates who also dabble in landscaping, or, just, you know, mow lawns for booze money. Expect these Web sites to lay fallow during the World Cup.

.ehh For sites that, ehh, never mind.

.wha For scholars of Thomas Pynchon's "V."

.rub For masseuses and masseurs.

.ewe For shepherds only!

.lie For dating Web sites that do not require accurate photos of the individuals who sign up.

.pip For Web sites that, at first glance, appear to be amusing, but really aren't.

.rug Connoisseurs of wigs, toupees, hair plugs and comb-overs belong here.

.gel The Internet home for men who use too much hair-styling product.

.pi If you're into math, please register your Web site as a .pi. That way we'll know to avoid you.

.tug Finally, a destination for the millions, if not billions, of tug-of-war aficionados in cyberspace.

.mom For moms, as well as for sites containing more than three recipes involving tuna and/or French fried onions. Will double as a landing spot for collectors of Hummel figurines or little ceramic snow-roofed Christmas villages.

.dad For sites that are too busy working to come to your school play.

.sap The site of choice for big lugs who weep during their stories.

.zit Real pimple advice for real teenagers. Sponsored by Snickers and Clearasil.

Jeff Johnson was an editor at Jane magazine.